3 years ago today I left Olympia, WA, the home I’d built for myself for 12 years, to create a new life for myself.
3 years deep into this new life and career path and I still regularly live with feelings of not enough. In fact, in some regards they’ve only gotten louder as I’ve progressed.
As I reflect back on what I’ve created over the past 3 years it really highlights the words some part whispers or shouts from within me: “You don’t make enough money.” “You don’t have enough clients.” “You haven’t had a big enough impact.” “You should be farther along.” “Your work is shit.” “You are shit.”
Particularly considering that since that day 3 years ago I have…
And still the voices say “You don’t make enough money.” “You don’t have enough clients.” “You haven’t had a big enough impact.” “You should be farther along.” “Your work is shit.” “You are shit.”
Yet somehow I’m more at peace with them, with the trajectory of my life, and with my own self than I ever have been.
It’s not that I don’t experience pain and struggle, I sure as hell have my moments, but somehow I also find myself deeply curious about and in awe of these voices and the soul piercing emotional wounding they spring forth from.
Somehow, despite the voices, life continues forward, I keep growing, money keeps flowing, business keeps growing, love keeps deepening, beauty keeps unfolding, the people around me keep loving me, I keep crying, my heart keeps opening, my connection to my body keeps deepening, and life continues to not simply sustain, but flourish within and around me.
Somehow… right? As if those voices in my head had anything to do with reality.
They’re important, yes. They point to truths inside of myself, but they’re not THE truth. They don’t reflect the truth of my path. They don’t reflect the truth of the world around me.
The truth surrounds me on a constant basis. It whispers guidance to me even when I think I can’t hear it. It holds me even when I feel utterly alone. I nourishes me even when I feel empty. It comforts me even as I suffer.
And my body and soul register and receive this support. It’s what we’re built to do, after all.
I’m grateful. Thank you to everyone I’ve touched, or who’s touched me over the past 3 years.
It’s incredible to hold the awareness of what’s been created within and through me over a few sometimes-short-seeming-sometimes-long-seeming years.
There’s so much life ahead of me and to try to conceive of the beauty that will be created within and through me over the next 3 years, let alone the next 30, would be like trying to describe God by typing some words into a Facebook status update.
Yet it’s one of the tools for communication I’ve got, and I can’t help but try sometimes.
Grace is here in this moment. It’s within us, between us, and surrounds us. It doesn’t matter a single bit whether we believe it is nor not.
It simply is.