Bob Schwenkler

I’m F***ing Scared

Written by on February 24, 2014

Posted in: Emotional Fluency

Ton Haex

Men aren’t supposed to show (or feel) fear.

Well I’m scared right now. If you see me on the street today or next week or next month, whether I’m smiling or my face is blank or I look sad you can know that underneath I’m scared.

Everything is all coming down, changing, at once. Like it never has before. I’ll be moving away from the home I’ve lived in longer than any other home in my life. My career is leaving, my finances are threatened. Nearly my ENTIRE social support network is threatened, some of my most important relationships. I sold my car. The identity that I’ve created for myself over the past 12 years and, really, my entire life is threatened.

At the same time, I’m investing heavily in myself and my growth. I’m committing significant financial and emotional resources toward my own life purpose and happiness. I have enough for the moment. But not for long, the money especially.

Picture this.

The tank has a few drops left, the pedal is against the floor, and the place where the ground drops off is getting closer and closer. I’m conscious of the fact that if I can get enough speed up I’ll be able to make it over to the other side safely, but if I hesitate too much or lose my nerve I’ll miss it. I’ll crash and burn. Everything will be gone. I’ll be broke and alone forever.

That’s how it feels at least.

I’m scared as hell, but I also choose all of this.

I choose growth. I choose to honor my heart, my deepest purpose. I choose to ask for help. I choose fear over comfort and numbness. I choose relationships that hold me higher than I can hold myself alone and if they’re not up to the task then I choose to say goodbye. I choose to hold the people around me higher than they can hold themselves alone and if that brings up too much fear for them then I choose to keep on moving. I choose honesty and intimacy with my family. I choose to not honor my own perceived limits. I choose myself.

If you see me out on the street today or next week or next month ask me how it’s been feeling so scared. I’ll share with you. And then let me know the places where you’ve been scared and made it through, or where you currently are scared. That way we’re not in it so alone anymore.

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