Bob Schwenkler

I’m Selfish…

Written by on March 23, 2014

Posted in: Masculinity

sachmanns

I want something from you and I’m doing my best to get it from you.

Yes, you. Reading this blog post.

I worked to get you to this website.

I’m selfish and that’s the reason you’re here.

 

Guess what I want?

 

It’s not money.

It’s not your time.

It’s not a ride to the store, a favor, drugs, your phone number, or even your favorable opinion.

It’s something I’ve wanted from the very moment I was born but was never fully offered. I’ve yearned for it my entire life, usually without consciously realizing it. This desire has shaped my personality, dictated the arcs of my relationships, and formed the basis for my worldview. Its apparent lack in my life has caused me considerable pain, enough to want to call it all off, for years on end.

And my lifelong search for it has shaped me into the man I am today.

Will you give it to me?

Asking for it is something that could have gotten me teased or hurt or worse at many other times in my life. Probably now still, too. But deep down I know it’s true, and deep down I don’t give a shit how I’m (mis)interpreted. I’ll say it honestly and truthfully, for the first time ever to you.

I want you.

Yes, you.

In fact, I need you.

I want your support. I want your undying commitment as a fellow man that you will be there for me.

I want you to say “Hey, that comment you made back there was actually pretty sexist. I know you don’t want to act that bullshit out and as your friend I’m calling you out.”

I want you to give me a hug, challenge me to a wrestle, or sit close to me on the couch. I want you to do it simply because as human animals we have a need way down at the very centers of our beating, yearning, loving beings to be close to to one another.

I want you to sit down with me after I told you I nearly died that one night and say “You’re not alone. See? I’m right here. You can’t deny THAT, can you now?”

I want you to make a joke when I’m sad.

I want you to say “I really don’t agree with your approach, in fact I think it’s total bullshit. But know what? You act with integrity and I respect you for that, deeply.”

I want you to tell me stories to help me know that growing up as a man has been joyful, terrifying, peaceful, and heart wrenching for you just like it has been for me.

I want you to tell every other man in your life your story, your multitude of stories.

I want you to find that place in your heart/soul/body that burns with a passion so intense and authentic that an army of armed soldiers with guns could not persuade you to turn away from the final locus of your desire.

I want you to set a brilliant, blinding example for what it means to be a good man. Because we all are, each and every one of us, down to the very core.

I want you to create for me a completely unique example of what it means to live.

I want you to burn, flail, whoop, dive, and succeed, over and over and over again.

I want you to so thoroughly shatter my expectations of what’s possible that I could never even consider wanting anything less than the unimaginable dream-state for myself or anyone else in my life.

I want you to inspire me, deeply.

I need you to inspire me.

You do inspire me, simply for being.

Thank you for inspiring me.

 

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